February 20th, 2011 marks the anniversary of when life began to rock me. At this time last year, I was back and forth to see my family two states away and working very hard to spend every second I could with my grandfather that had days left to live. February 20th, 2010 I was driving home from work listening to American Honey by Sugarland (you don't forget things like that) as I got the phone call from my dad that it was time to come home - and grandpa was finally at peace.
Life wasn't easy for my grandparents. They were both homeless at times and did what they could to get by. They then met each other young and decided to have a family ... Needless to say, they were two damaged people trying to figure out how to make life easier for their children than they had. I'm not really quite sure grandma and grandpa ever figured out how to be a family ... I don't know if they ever knew what that really was. But they tried ... And through the mistakes with their own children, they figured out how to love and embrace their grandchildren ... Even when their grandchildren let them down.
My grandparents made a lot of mistakes as parents, but they loved me through some incredibly difficult times ... I lost grandma in October of 2006, so February 20th, 2010 was a date that I lost not just a grandparent, but my friend and my undeniable, unconditional support system.
I'm mourning - and I have been. This year has rocked me. Couch surfing, financial crisis, falling in love with a woman that makes me feel like it's the first time I've ever been in love and rebuilding who I am while feeling alone has been hard.
But I'll tell you this: Grandpa would tell me to keep walking. He would tell me to keep fighting. Because life is worth it.
Through his death - and as we come up on this difficult anniversary - I'll speak for him right now: You may be dealing with crisis in your life, or reeling from an unsurmountable loss, but you will be okay. We are ALL survivors and we are all in this together. Stand up for yourself, shake the dust off and you keep walking. And put some pride in that walk. You're worth it.
For grandma and grandpa, for me, for my family ... Press forward. Find your strength. And love YOU. Life is to be enjoyed. Don't find it too late.
To the difficult road of happiness,
Michelle
It has been 8 years since I lost my grandma, and it feels like yesterday sometimes. She died six weeks before I started dating the man who was to become my husband. Less than one year later we were married. Nothing was more difficult than going through a wedding without her there to help with those typical "bride" things from picking out a dress to selecting liquor (her specality). But in every way she was a part of my wedding, and we feel, our marriage. I think you're right about what your grandpa said...keep walking. That is just how she would have been. She was, and is, my rock. Whe we lost our first pregnancy, and felt that we couldn't move foward, I can't exactly put my finger on how, but I knew she was there. As we were in that process of mourning, we were also trying to sell a house, build and move. It went perfectly. We also got pregnant again. I don't doubt she was a part of that.
ReplyDeleteShe always told me that you need to enjoy life, and not take anything too seriously. Whenever things get too overhwhelming or hard, I try to remember that. And, even though it has been eight, almost nine years, the grief isn't ever really gone. And she would say, that is just fine. You just take care of you, and keep on living:)
And then she would pass me a drink...because she was a stinker!