At all times, we need to be very aware of the negative self-talk that we have running through our minds.
This was driven home for me when I woke up at one day in an emotionally abusive and controlling relationship. My self worth through my 20’s became more and more of an issue it was starting to show in many areas of life. Those times can be dangerous – we lose sight of who we are and what we deserve. We can easily find ourselves in “self-fulfilling” relationships -meaning, self esteem is low and we can find someone that keeps us there (not just a lover – this can also be a friend or a member of our family). We don’t do it on purpose, but we are desperately seeking validation … And we usually find it.
Through the course of my self-validating relationship, I had many friends express concern about my well-being but every time I denied it, lied about it and became very defensive about it. It wasn’t until a colleague of mine came to me and said, “Friend, I see too many red flags for home to be okay. How can I help you get out?” I for the first time admitted it – to myself and her –and I made my plan to leave.
The next few months were traumatic. Police escorts to remove the few possessions I could grab, couch surfing and ultimately losing everything to be free. Controllers and abusers don’t take that rejection lightly, so work became incredibly complicated as I dealt with harassing phone calls and emails to my work accounts and random visits to my office as well.
So often I looked at myself as I was brushing my teeth in the morning and thought, “HOW did I get here? No home and nothing to my name. How could I have let this happen?”
Now that the dust has settled on that horrible time, a quote from the same colleague comes to my mind. She gave me advice that was given to her. Over coffee one day I said to her, “I’m a total train wreck.” She looked back and said, “Michelle, your past is what got you here today. You dealing with this is the healthiest thing you can do – and your future will be better because of it.”
We all have things inside of us that we need to work on and we need to be very careful that we don’t reach the perfect storm – our weaknesses paired with someone who can manipulate that. This can be a fear of loneliness, fear of rejection or abandonment, etc. However, when and if we do find ourselves – or someone we love – in that situation, how do we remove ourselves from it?
Love yourself. Now.
During that time of pain, I took time out to focus on what I had been missing – love for myself. I realized I spent so much time saying, “How stupid can I be to end up here? How could anyone love me after losing everything and making such horrible decisions?”
And then it hit me - for me to move forward I needed to stop abusing myself first.
No matter who you are or where you’re at in life’s journey, listen to your thoughts and truly think about how often you abuse yourself – and reframe it immediately … Even if you don’t believe it. Instead of saying, “How did I end up here?” Think, “I am in a situation that isn’t good for me and I am worth removing myself from it.” Instead of saying, “How stupid can I be?” Think, “I am smart and worth love – what can I learn from this situation?”
We are all worth love – but that needs to start from within. We all walk around with damage, baggage and difficulties … And the way we can prevent someone else’s damage hurting us or controlling us is to find love for yourself first. Realize you’re worth true, healthy love – and realize that the pain of removing yourself from toxicity is ALWAYS worth it.
You are a soul of value and that deserves respect. Stop abusing yourself, believe in yourself and open the door to love.
To the journey of happiness,
Michelle
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